myown_mortality

christmas

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 02:52:37 GMT

didn't feel like christmas this year. but it's no big deal to me.
i really, really wish scott was here. i hate how almost every movie has love or some sort of physical affection in it. movies are usually such a good escape...

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 03:21:27 GMT

i have absolutely no idea who you are anymore. you have the same body, same face, but there's somebody else inside.

you'll jump for someone who's nearly a stranger, but you won't even say hello to me. should i just sever all ties now?

deployment

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 13:07:51 GMT

and so it begins...

he had to bring his bags down and start loading up at 8pm last night... i was with him until about 11:30. it was so COLD. it was a little strange standing around a couple hundred guys waving around (literally!) huge semi automatic weapons... but nothing was loaded. i got to see him order around his soldiers, that was pretty cool... & i made it almost the entire time without crying - at the last possible moment, i cracked. dammit. i got a little misty before i drove him on post, and i was completely fine right up until he had to get on the bus. fields asked me if i was okay once or twice, and i said i was, and i meant it. when i finally broke, scott said "aww come on, don't be gay!" hahahah :)

i love him so much. & he looks so handsome in his acu's. <3

1/365

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:17:59 GMT

apparently i still have major trust issues. i was unaware.

creative roadblock.

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 23:49:42 GMT

what inspires you?

i love my husband so much.

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 01:57:47 GMT

he says the sweetest things at the most random times. :)

sometimes,

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 21:57:30 GMT

i just want to deck you in the face so hard.
i don't know why, and you have no idea.

immokalee regional raceway

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 12:01:15 GMT

i ran a fucking 9.39!!!
FUCKING STOCK!!!

while scott was running 9.29 with mods.... and a 19 year younger car....
ahem... CHEVY FOR THE WIN!

365

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 16:36:00 GMT

on flickr, there are a lot of people doing the 365 self portraits thing (one selfie per day for one year).
so i decided that the day scott deploys is the day i will begin. it will be an interesting way to count down the days, and we'll both get to see how i change over the course of a year... if i change at all! :)

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:43:20 GMT

I GOT A WEDDING RING YESTERDAY!
it's beautiful. :)

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:22:45 GMT

love really is a battlefield.
& sometimes, civilians and bystanders get caught in the crossfire.

in the end, we all leave with holes in our hearts.

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:16:41 GMT

i don't like these awkward silences.

dear FGCU,

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 04:25:56 GMT

you have taken the fun out of learning. fuck you.

sincerely,
me

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:09:52 GMT

sometimes, when i get on 75 and my exit for school comes up.... a big part of me wants to drive right past it and keep going.

i'm really, really starting to hate this place.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 20:04:16 GMT

the other day upon a stair,
i met a man who wasn't there.
he wasn't there again today.
i wish, i wish he'd go away.

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 22:56:52 GMT

i can't wait until i'm thin again. ♥

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:30:12 GMT

sometimes i feel like a ship that has just been ravaged by an angry sea, floating along a calm crystal ocean with my sails broken; helpless, only able to go where the ocean decides to take me.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 10:41:56 GMT

i no longer wish for the way things used to be.

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:33:34 GMT

i am anxiously awaiting the day that someone invents a laptop with a built-in credit card machine.

fuck my life.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:45:36 GMT

now, i am positive that FGCU is working against me. i know it.

i went there at 8am this morning to see an advisor. they were taking walk-ins, so i waited for 30 minutes.
good news: after this semster, i will have completed all my gen. ed. requirements, except one natural science.
bad news: in order to progress further in my psych major, i need to take experiemental psych.
worse news: i have to sign up with the freshmen, so it will be full, and those teachers don't give a fuck about anybody.

my advisor told me that getting into one of those classes is slim to none. also because of that one course, i will only be able to take four classes in the spring, instead of six like i had planned. so much for graduating early.

in a sad attempt to get into this class, i am going to email the three teachers offering it next semster and beg them to let me in. i will do anything to get in.

if i don't get into experimental psych in the spring, that will be the ONLY course i will be able to take in the fall, because i won't be eligible for any other upper level courses yet (in psych OR philosophy). therefore, i will not be a full time student, which will cause me to lose the majority of my scholarships.

FUCK. MY. LIFE.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:38:12 GMT

i just want someone to hug me and tell me that everything's going to be okay.

and i want them to be right.

FUCK FGCU

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 12:52:01 GMT

i fucking hate this school. sure, a lot of the professors are great and knowledgeable... but try to get ANYTHING done, and you've got to go through hell and back.

i tried to see an advisor and/or make an appointment to see one today, which would really work out considering i've got a FOUR HOUR BREAK in between classes. they're booked until november.
okay, that's understandable. i'm a reasonable person. i get it.
so i ask if they can call me if someone cancels or no shows for their appointment... they can't do that. why? because they have to give the person at least 15 mintues AFTER their appointment time to show up. and if the person doesn't show, they just prepare for their next appointment.
that is NOT how a business is run. you make an appointment, and you're supposed to be there AT THE SET TIME. 5 minutes late, okay. understandable. 15? fuck you. take a walk-in.

so now, i have to drive all the way the fuck out here on a friday, and wait for someone to see me. and if a senior or athlete or honors student happens to walk in after me, they'll take that student and i'll have to wait. FUCK THIS FUCKING PLACE.

then i ask about shadowing someone working in my field. they tell me the person i have to see, so i go on the website to find his email and phone number. the building that his office is in is as far away from the main campus as you can possibly get. i'd really like to make sure that he's going to be there before i walk that far. i may kill people if i walk over there and he's not there, or i "just missed him." i am NOT OKAY with that.
the fucking page with faculty and staff information is down. JUST that page. just that one. that's it.

fuck my life.

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 22:02:45 GMT

i joined a gym!! :D

and as long as i don't get a job, i'll be going to classes at least 3 times a week.
i can't wait until i can walk around without my thighs touching. :)
that's all i want!

& i'm also trying to eat healthier... but still cheat every now and then.
i really want to bake brownies. NOM.

i can't wait until i start getting unemployment & military benefits.
i paid for that shit, it's about time they start paying me back..

& i still have NO IDEA why i got fired.
from what i hear, nobody's allowed to talk about me anymore. and reba doesn't even speak my name. BITCH!

girls (rant)

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:01:11 GMT

are fucking dumb.
first of all, typing without punctuation is FUCKING ANNOYING.
i can deal with horrible grammar and bad spelling,
but no puntuation? no thanks.
your thoughts become incomprehensible.
AND NO, IT IS NOT CUTE. IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU MORE APPEALING TO ANYONE.

second, you and your best friend are not married. stop referring to her as your "wifey" or your "girlfriend"
YOU ARE DUMB.
also, just because you have some things in common doesn't mean that you should do everything in your power to look alike, act alike, and make people think that you are alike.
you are not. you are two unique individuals. shut the fuck up and differentiate yourself.

third, if you have to pretend to like something that you know nothing about (and have no desire to learn about) to get a guy to take more interest in you, i promise, it will not work out as well as you planned. go die.

helplessness/damsels in distress can only be appealing to an extent. then it gets fucking annoying.
do something for yourself.
CONFIDENCE IS SEXY.
(being a bitch ALL THE TIME is not. and at some point it does stop being funny.)

i have realized that an oddly large number of girls smell like piss. wtf?

acting like you have a psychological disorder is not cool. it is not okay. actually, it's quite offensive when you think about it. STOP IT.
same goes for acting dumb/stupid/ditsy. NOT OKAY. NOT FUNNY. NOT APPEALING.

i'm done for now.

i know i just updated, but i don't care.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 23:24:58 GMT

i've been switching back & forth from optimistic to pessimistic. but i've been sticking to pessimism, mostly.

i need to find a job.
but i could utilize this time to get all my homework done, and even study.
i could also branch out as a freelance photographer.

but my photography sucks. i joined model mayhem, and i can't compare to those people.
but what's the point? why do these girls want to be models anyway? in the end, they all look the same. they do the same things. it's so hard to be unique these days. plus, the market is flooded with GWCs. am i becoming a GWC? i so desperately want more people in my life, but i don't want to spend any time with them.... why do i desire something that i don't?

why do we feel such a strong need to acquire things?

i'm losing interest in school altogether. i enjoy two of my six classes... religion and philosophy through film. although, i'm positive i'd enjoy principles of development so much more if it wasn't online. the material is interesting.
and i do really like my stats teacher, he's awesome. he likes chevys. :)
every monday & wednesday morning, i wake up wishing i hadn't.

i'm getting into the habit of drinking coffee regularly. yesterday, my pulse was 80. what the fuck. and my blood pressure was LOW. that never happens. that doesn't make sense.

i still need to make an appointment to get my military ID. i can't wait to see scott again. i didn't get to talk to him last night beause he was so busy, and i only got one text from him just a few minutes ago. i'm not looking forward to deployment.
bright side: because i have no job, i can visit him every few weekends before deployment.
all that driving is going to suck, but it's always worth it. <3

i found out that anthony moved to alabama. he doesn't live down the street from me.
that's a plus.

i really want to start going to a gym & lose some weight.
but i don't want to go out and do it.
some days i'm so disgusted by my own body. then i go and eat something that's horrible for me. why does that always happen? whenever i decide that i want to lose weight, i eat worse than i did before. i've always done that.
and i know so many people who have lost SO MUCH WEIGHT. i'm jealous. but it's still tough for me to do anything about it.

sometimes i feel random pangs of intense sadness.

i don't want anybody to fucking touch me right now.
but i would really appreciate a good, long, hug.